20 December, 2008

On My Father's Death [two hours before his funeral]

Last Thursday, my father, Raymundo Dayrit Torres, was found dead due to massive heart failure in his sleep.

For the longest time, people have been asking me where my father is or why he isn't really featured in this show where I play me. And for the longest time, I have been telling people that he is already dead. I have been quoted saying, "Well, officially, he's dead." or "Kung ako nga, pinabayaan kong namatay si Ray nang di ko kinakausap."

It's quite complicated to expound on really...

Not long ago, i blogged about it in one of those pass-it-on blogs [that require you to be honest], that I have told people that he has been dead although he was still alive [and even then, it was already in the past tense -as if anticipating it eitherway]. I think it started after the first time he had a stroke... And, as much as I love Ñora Pina, his mother [my paternal grandmother], let me just say that whatever affinity I had towards the other Torreses have long since disintegrated the day I told them that the only way I could forgive them is that if they go down on their knees and ask for it... And even if they did that, it would still require some thought.

I'm writing about this to finally put that part of my life behind me. For one, I haven't spoken with Ray at all since the death of Don Isidro [his father] in 1997; and now that he's passed on, I think I have prepared myself for this moment by having convinced myself that he has been dead for the longest time. Some way for one to ask the universe for something, huh?

In all fairness to him, I'd rather that he did not suffer any further in this life. I'm not that heartless after all, or at least I try to convince myself...

In a few hours, he'll be six feet under... And i keep on hearing that quote that says "Life gives us many opportunities to start over" but I don't think Ray made any effort at all to start over. Paolo once told me, that if you fall down at 7 then get up at 8 [wisdom from someone younger than me...hahaha! ]. You see, in my late teen years, all I saw was this brilliant man who refused to get up at level 8 and just gave up. I won't be that...

So Ray, wherever you are now, I hope you're happy... Don't worry about me, i have endured thus far. I do ask you to forgive me for not trying though, I think I get that from you.

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