How Do You Say GAY? [Pride Month Musings 2009 Part Two]

Good Manners is best defined by making people around you comfortable with who and what you are. Making an effort to at least show that you are capable of practicing certain social graces and civilities says much about a person. Now, some of you may think that’s already encroaching on free expression, laissez faire, and whatever it is that you feel entitled to as an individual against the drones of etiquette and norm, hindi masamang ipamukha sa kanila na ikaw ay Bading Na May Urbanidad.

I understand that this may raise a few eyebrows, but I have always believed that Manners Matter. For the most part, the social abrasion that Gay people experience is brought about their disregard for the social environment they are currently at. There’s always a time and place for everything. And what some of our brothers under the rainbow flag fail to realize is that this world will never be fair to all of us. There will always be a bigot at the other table, sniggering ill-mannered Neanderthals whispering at a corner, Visigoths heckling at you on your choice of wardrobe, and an establishment run by Ostrogoths that won’t let you in. But I am not here to lecture you on that. There are things that I myself think are beyond me.

However, I do have a few things that could help you out when some people turn a little abrasive about your sexuality.

These days, being Gay seems to be more controversial than it has been when I was around eighteen. At the time, my friend Ara Fernando said, “Walanghiya kayong mga bakla! Konti na lang nga ang mga lalaki sa mundo, inaagaw niyo pa!” [ Shame on you, gays! There are so few guys in the world and we have to compete with you! ] The context to which that was said at the time was more a commentary on how the Gays are on the prowl for unsuspecting straight men.

Sidebar: Pining over the straight man you can’t have is soooo 1990s! Hahahahahaha!!!

In a span of ten years, the definition of gay has become more technical than the usual clichés we ourselves have placed on each other. Now we’re dealing with terms such as Gay, Bi-sexual, Queen, Queer, Transgender, Bi-curious, Effems, Straight-Acting, Fag-Stags, Metro, Downe Guys, and whatever category seems convenient for the oddly placed in the population. There’s always room for more, some say… and that does add to the heterosexual population’s confusion.

But primarily, in certain situations, some of us -even one who can be a bit flamboyant- can still seem ambiguous or enigmatic to the naïve. My point being, some Gay people do give off that impression of mystery about them or maybe some people just cant keep their noses off other people’s business. Especially if you’re discreet about yourself.

So, what does one do when one is confronted about one’s sexuality?

In the Filipino social dynamic, these are the usual questions you are asked:

“Bakla ka ba?” [ “Are you Gay?” ]
“Are you one of them?” [ “Ganoon ka rin ba?” ]
“Berde ba ang dugo mo?” [ “Is the blood in your veins green?” *this is actually quite unique in Filipino Gayspeak that refers to Gays having green blood* intended with humor]
“Sister?” [ that pretty much sums it up…]

The initial reaction to this questioning actually varies for it depends on the tone of the question. Some people just ask without consideration while some exert quite an effort not to offend you. But even the most cautious efforts can not put aside one’s initial reaction which is nothing short of “offended”. [this applies to most of us]

Now, the next time you do find yourself in this situation, here are a few answers that might be helpful.


How to say you’re Gay in the most educated fashion:
“I have other inclinations.”

How to say you’re Bi-sexual or Bi-curious:
“I am persuaded rather differently.”

How to say it doesn’t really matter if they learn about your Sexuality:
“Well, truth is so prosaic.”

How to suggest that it’s not their place to ask:
“Does it change anything if I answer your question?”

How to change the topic:
“I’m sure you have other things to be more concerned about.”

And if these don’t work, there’s always some good old fashioned gay quip you can pull out of the hat that will answer their question and take them aback a bit:
“Yes, unfortunately, I need to bring home a good looking guy to introduce to my parents as the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Do you know someone?”
-or any variation thereof said in an acerbic formulation.

Because there’s always a limit as to how far you can stretch your Pink Patience.
And if that doesn’t work, then I’ll be the first one to encourage you to take the Rainbow Gloves off.


…thus spake the Barefoot Baklesa

Chained in the Closet [Pride Month Musings 2009 Part One]

A lot of people have asked me before how my family was able to accept my homosexuality, and my answer was simple:

“I really don’t know. They don’t talk to me about it. The unspoken rule was it’s not that big of a deal as long as I don’t bring home any form of shame. I was able to be who and what I am as long as I keep up appearances.”

Now, some of you may think that’s already something that merits an after-school drama special but it wasn’t that difficult for me to do so. I was raised with the sensibility to keep up appearances. It was in high school when I heard this from my mother: “What is disgraceful is to be left to the dust after you fall” -my interpretation of it was don’t get yourself disgraced in the first place and I have lived by it since then.

On the other hand, and not as a judgment on anyone who is, I think my family is rather thankful of the kind of gay guy I turned out to be. Trust me, in the context of old Visayan families, their impression of what a gay guy is turns out to be the effete flamboyant stereotype of the cross-dressing persuasion.

I think I have behaved rather impeccably in their eyes that they seem to have just lived with the fact that I was not like anyone else in the family. Just to be clear, I’m talking about the de los Reyes side of my blood since I was raised by my mother’s side. However, I do know that my Torres side is literally dotted with gay uncles and cousins that when I was younger, my mother would say, “Alam mo naman, may herencia ang mga Torres ng kabaklaan.” [roughly translated in the intent: Apparently, the Torreses have a family history of homosexuality] -I think that was my mother’s way of trying to figure out which side of the line I stood. Hahahahaha!!!

I have heard of but one rather unsettling incident regarding a first cousin of mine who asked my cousin Pinky this: “Pinky, is Niki really gay?”

To which Manang Pinky answered, “Why don’t you ask him yourself?”

I thought that particular cousin knew me well enough having seen me grow and being this close all this time to ask me personally. We were technically adults at the time and I thought she had the maturity to at least ask me in person. Manang Pinky was a bit on the defensive because we were both raised by single mothers who have done well against the odds, and for the lack of a sister, I have her.

My Manang Pinky and I share a particular affection for someone who I consider to be “held back by chains from inside the closet”

In the past few days that I have gotten to know this person, I could definitely say that my heart goes out to him, and that I could only imagine how hard it must be for him to live in a family that is in denial about who and what he is or simply refuses to accept another image of their son, other than the image they have held aloft of him as a straight man.

Let’s call him BOY A… I shant be naming him for I respect his choices under the circumstances.

I have met BOY A when I was around 11 years old, Manang Pinky took us out to watch a Disney movie as she was babysitting him and his elder brother. It was not until 2007 that I would see him. And I tell you, that was a little disastrous because I felt he was a little guarded and abrasive during the dinner. But knowing what I know now, my first impression of him was not who he was at all.

Fast forward to last Saturday when I met him again, while we were waiting for Manang Pinky, we had a bit of a chat. And that’s when I saw his chains…

Take this image into your head: Imagine coming out of the closet far enough to have crossed the threshold outside the door but discovering there is a chain coming from the inside that held you back at your attempt to walk away from it.

That’s what BOY A has to live with.

I really found his discretion and control admirable. For you see, he comes from a Born Again Christian family [and I have seen what fundamentalist families are capable of to outed gay sons], and his brother is in denial about what he is but finds ways to vent his frustrations on him -as I have observed- by treating him as an inferior and showing his irritation at every chance he gets. I do hope I am wrong about his brother, but it is what I saw.

BOY A tells me he just recently moved out of his parents’ house to live on his own. I thought it was for work purposes but seeing how technically close his parents’ home was to where he worked, I knew it was his way of saying “give me room to breathe”.

And he goes, “You know naman, I have never come out to Tita Pinky officially.”
My response was, “Why? You shouldn’t be afraid to do so. She’s the most open-minded person I know. She’s not going to judge you for it. Look at me.”
And then, BOY A makes me realize something with what he said after this, “My older brother is in denial. He knows; he just refuses to accept it. That’s why I like your family, you guys have a very high EQ [equated to Emotional Intelligence], being gay doesn’t seem like an issue to them.

I think he was talking about his observations of our family when he went on vacation and stayed at our ancestral house some years ago -and I wasn‘t even there when they went to visit. Now I realize how lucky I was because I never had to officially come out to my family. I just came to be, and as any family that loves you would, they just dealt with it.

I was able to meet his parents as we were invited for dinner last Sunday. What I pride myself with is my ability to draw out what a person’s biases and figure out where they stand by the very manipulation of the topics of conversation we had over dinner. And from there, I deduced that this was one family that believes in the straight-and-narrow path. I remember later, when were trying to salvage what was left of our Sunday night, that BOY A’s brother suddenly turns irate and tells him, “Don’t wear that here. Go change your shirt.” -it was his way of saying, “What are you wearing? You look like a fag.”- I just stood there, the better part of my manners stopped me from even verbalizing something as simple as, “Why? What’s wrong with the shirt?”

Let me also share why Manang Pinky was very concerned about BOY A. She knows how hard it is for him sometimes and has voiced her concerns that she has seen this happen to most young gay men who leave their homes to get some space. Sometimes they run away or avoid their families entirely; and look to fill the lack of affection and acceptance elsewhere. And in certain cases, they zoom like a rocket never wanting to come back and they crash down or back to much tragic effect. She wanted BOY A to open up to her, for him to have someone who is till family that understands. I can’t judge BOY A for being apprehensive, we all must take our time.

Well, just putting it out there, I’m happy for BOY A, he’s currently in a relationship and it looks like he has a partner that nurtures him. On that one, he’s luckier than me. [Anyone out there? *hint* *hint*]

This being the first of my Pride Month Musings, I’m asking you guys -whether ye be gay or straight- to be a little more tolerant, more understanding, to really know your gay friend, gay brother, gay cousin, or gay student and be there for them if you think they have no one. That’s what being human is in my book; throwing indifference out the window.

And to BOY A -you’re probably going to read this- so let me just say, we are also here for you.

Next on the Barefoot Baklesa‘s Pride Month Musings: How Do You Say GAY?


…thus spake the Barefoot Baklesa