Love is Blind, But Not for the Blind

Eu Não Quero Voltar Sozinho or I Don't Want to Go Back Alone is a Brazilian short film written and directed by Daniel Ribeiro. The Barefoot Baklesa chanced upon this at Tumblr and thought it was worth the sharing. It's one of those films that make you feel 16 again and about to fall in love. We recommend watching it without the subtitles/captions first, for there's something about the universality of cinema that is at work while watching it like that. Having said that, so as not to spoil thy fun, we shall leave thee to it.

oh yeah, you can watch this on youtube and click on the closed caption button and click preferences for the desired language.

thus spake the Barefoot Baklesa

Miracles Happen...

February 2nd is the Traditional Feast celebrated in the Roman Catholic realm as Candlemass -or the feast of the Blessing of the Candles, coinciding with the Feast of the Nuestra Señora de la Candelaria [Our Lady of the candles]. If you have read my post from last year , then you will know why this day is of great significance to the Barefoot Baklesa.

I always tell people that I have inexplicable luck; lucky to the point that it seems unfair to the rest of the world. On one hand, that is being cognizant of that fact; the other is my eternal gratitude for such a good life. Having been healed of my rare skin condition by Our Lady of Candelaria, I wish all of you who are burdened with pain and physical ailments the same grace of healing I have been given, and the miracle I have been allowed to be living proof of.

Lastly, I would like to thank Our Lady for my Baby Tiger. There are people in this earth that never ever get to experience what true love is. I am happy that one moment I have with you is enough to last me ten lifetimes.

I must be making sense to someone out there...

Remember how I often refer to my postings as "the swirling mist in my head"? Well, i often wonder if what i'm going on about here makes sense to some, or if I seem to be blabbering on about random things that catch my fancy, or getting emotional and passionate about -well, just about anything...

Just now, I found a curious message in my inbox... it was a long read, and a juicy one at that. Before I actually make a response to his dilemma, I'm going to ask him if I can feature it in The Barefoot Baklesa blog. I think what he went through and what I have to say about it I reckon is something we can all learn from.

Until then, i leave you with Bernadette Peters singing "Not A Day Goes By" from Sondheim's Merrily We Roll Along




thus spake the Barefoot Baklesa

it may seem broken to you, but for me, it's perfect... [stopping a brittle heart from breaking]

"It isn't easy here without you
why did you leave me?
What am I supposed to do
without you?

What if the world were a little more perfect
would you stop crying?
would you take the lead?
and what if the world were a little more perfect
would you open your eyes?"


I don't know if this matters at this time, if these are just words to you, if all of that was for nothing...

at this point, I'm a little numb.... things seem so unreal... fighting for you isn't.


thus spake the Barefoot Baklesa

Thoughts of You...

"Once upon a time, I wanted to know what love was. Love is there if you want it to be. You just have to see that it's wrapped in beauty and hidden away between the seconds of your life. If you don't stop for a minute, you just might miss it."

~quoted from the movie CASHBACK

I think in the current state of things, I'm beginning to think that I keep doubting things too much, that I seem to not live in the moment, that I have certain fears about where this takes me...

But don't get me wrong, I'm in a very happy place -I have not been in a place remotely near there in like five years- thus the jaded and cynical shell of Barefoot Baklesa isn't one to shake off so easily.

There's really no such thing as a normal state of anything when it comes to love or loving -we are all weaklings and the wisest of us would not know better. Maybe that's why Shakespeare went as far as saying that "Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid's eyes painted blind." [A Midsumer Night's Dream]

Frailty, flaws, and futile-fruitless-fits of infatuation all seem funny to some but as we know, some people spend an enormous amount of energy just to be normal and be above these.

Here's me, trying to shake off this undesirable shell of fear and doubt.

Bawal na talaga ang aning-aning...Hahahaha!!!

[oh yeah, the video above is for emphasis...]


thus spake the Barefoot Baklesa

maybe all that's left... is just to live

I’d like to quote this one; although I can’t recall who said it:

“I still believe in paradise. But now at least I know it’s not some place you can look forward to. Because it’s not where you go. It’s how you feel for a moment in your life when you’re part of something. If you find that moment, it lasts forever.”

Kenneth made me realize something today -more like just merely moments ago.

I never thought that at my age, I could be “put in my place” by someone far more younger I. Those of you who know me personally, know how jaded and doubtful I can get about a lot of things. Sometimes my doubts get the better of me. I used to call it being cautious but Kenneth thinks it’s nothing but “damaging” on my part.

Have I become such a slave to my own caution that I worry about what other people will see, hear, think, or speak of? Worry about how it would seem and look like? Worry about failure and end up never having tried at all?

Lately I have been ranting about missed opportunities, some failed attempt at something, and the many might-have-beens; much to Kenneth’s irritation.

Kenneth hates hearing about what happened in the past or what that past did to a person. He believes that once you get up, you leave it all behind you. The absurd thing is, I actually knew that all along [ referring to something Lolo Juan Orendain said about “What is disgraceful is to be left to the dust after you fall” ] and it took someone six years younger than me to ram it full force in my already muddled head.

The swirling mist in my mind cleared up a while ago…

And that phone call, which lasted 22 minutes and 46 seconds, is that moment that would last me forever. [ cheesy, i know...but who friggin cares at this point! hahahaha!!! ]

I have enough now, to live in the moment…


Thus spake the Barefoot Baklesa

Have You Ever Loved [As-Tu Déjà Aimé] and some thoughts in my head [and heart]...

The Barefoot Baklesa has been a little distracted lately... Well, more like he hasn't been himself ~his cynical and jaded self~ in the midst of all this... and technically lost for words at this point, you see. [I can hear someone going, "That's a first!"]

In your lifetime, you meet people who are like rivers that take you as they flow, and you are suddenly immersed in everything they are... and come out of that brief encounter not quite the same. And when you think it was but for a moment, they would carve a path for their raging waters to flow your way and take you once more; never wanting you to take a step into the muddy banks...

Am I smitten?
I could be... [maybe Kenneth can answer this one]
Yet I am cautious... [much to Kenneth's impatience]
But slowly, these past few days, I have begun to leave all that I must by some riverbank I wish not to return to nor remember; ready to brave the rapids and see where it takes me. [see where Kenneth takes me]

This particular song, As-tu déjà aimé from the film Les Chansons D'Amour best defines what I'm going through right now...

As-tu déjà aimé
Pour la beauté du geste?
As-tu déjà croqué
La pomme à pleine dent?
Pour la saveur du fruit
Sa douceur et son zeste
T'es tu perdu souvent?

"Have you ever loved
For the sheer sake of it?
Have you ever taken a bite of the apple
For the sheer taste of the fruit?
Its sweetness and its zest
Have you often lost your way?"


...thus spake the Barefoot Baklesa

That Last Piece of Your Broken Heart [believing in a deeper love]

This is for you, you know who you are…

It started out with this, “Hey, are you still awake?”

The reply came sometime in the late afternoon of the next day, “Hi Niki, sorry for the late reply. I donated blood yesterday kaya medyo lutang me since last night… What’s up? Please text back.”

To which I responded, “I just want to know if you’re okay. When you left the seminary, it was never clear to me why. I couldn’t ask you the first few times since we have been in contact again.”

The response was rather complicated.

We had agreed to meet the Friday next, to finally see each other. All this time, we seem to have been just reading each other’s blogs and sending each other these ubiquitous obligatory greetings during Christmas for the last five years. Has it been that long since we saw each other last? One thing’s for sure, we just drifted apart. The sun had set and the shadows have fallen on each day of those last five years. Days too many to count, faces and places changing, yet what is true and lasting did certainly endure.

But Friday next seemed too far away, and I took a stab in the dark. “Tomorrow,” I said. “If you can make it, I’m just at home. I can make you some lunch.” I really did not hold-out much hope for that one for that tomorrow was Friday the 13th.

13 still is my lucky number. It’s the number of my house after all…

And there you were in front my gate today, wearing a smile on your face, yet it was not the smile I used to know. As I held you once again, ever so tightly, I realized that we are not as we once were; and that the pain of the years I have held seem to drift with the unusually cool breeze that blew on today, disregarding the summer that had begun.

It was nice to hear your voice again. I had not told you that a few years ago, I woke up one morning trying to remember what your voice sounds like; it seemed insignificant to tell that afternoon. It was nice to see the wonder in your eyes when I was mixing up the wasabi paste with the mayonnaise. It was nice to see you laugh at the fuss I made getting the food ready. I really had thought none of it, fussing over the details of that meal.

What mattered was there you were again, sitting across me, trying to squeeze in as much of the five years we’ve missed while certain sentiments had to be said. It’s funny how the usual drama haunts us again.

You’ve always been the good boy, with a fixed set of life goals and a certain set of rules to live by. I have always admired that about you. But I felt as if that has held you back from truly living for yourself, from doing things the way you wanted, and from enjoying your life. You were surprised how I came up with this conclusion even way before you got to the complications of your -dare we call it- ‘quarter-life’ crisis? Yet I was also surprised to find out how you’ve been moving around the country trying to find yourself these past few months. It was quite amusing when you regaled opting to be a farming laborer; you would have looked so out of place there.

We had decided to watch a movie to let the time pass. ‘Taiyou No Uta’’ had been playing for a few minutes when you asked we should watch ‘The Love of Siam’ instead. “Really now, you know that movie?” I asked with such curious surprise. “I’ve heard about it,” you said. Because I don’t remember mentioning it to you at all. Of all the movies you would have chosen from, I thought to myself, you had to pick the one movie that has taught me to let you go.

Just like old times, there we were picking-on and musing over things we found interesting about the movie. I could read your laughter when Mew sang the lyrics, “You can’t write a love song when you’re not in love.” Funny how a few days ago, I was holding a copy of the script of a movie I had written for you.

“Is it possible that we can love someone, and never be afraid of losing them?” the movie asks.

I think it is… I believe it is.

And as much as reunions bring back waves of emotions within a person, I guard my thoughts. My first duty towards you is as your friend. I’ll take as much of your friendship as it comes for there is a part of me that knows you could go away again one day with nary a word, like you did once. Training to be a flight steward does not really assure anyone that you’re going to stick around. There’s a Japanese expression that if translated goes, “It can’t be helped.”

Indeed, it can’t be helped. You have asked me twice that day if I thought you really were that callous and insensitive in the past. I already knew you were, it just couldn’t be helped. That’s the tragedy with some good actors is that they go up on stage and they can bring your heart to places where it never knew existed, yet in real life, they can be so clueless. Knowing you as I do, every now and then, you’re capable of a deeper love. So, you’re not what you think you are…

The time came for you to make your way back to the metropolis, after seeing you off on the bus going to the metro, I went back home. I saw the garden hose and I thought I had to be a bit domestic and give the plants a little watering. “Water is good,” I thought to myself, “It washes away many things…” Then a neighbor’s jeep passes by playing that song by the Indigo Girls that goes, “So we’re okay, we’re fine. Baby I’m here to stop your crying. Chase all the ghosts from your head…”

What are the chances that the song I have associated with you would be blasting off some speaker at that exact time? Now isn’t that something?

So here I am, picking up that last shard of my broken heart… settling… not afraid of losing you another time. It’s not such a bad thing.